THE END, THE BEGINNING OR THE BEGINNING OF THE END?
Hanyu and I are fighting. I wish I could say it's just a mild lover's spat, but with each passing day my frustration grows. After a year of flirting back and forth, we finally had a three week long, whirlwind love affair in January. The amount of time I spent putting into our relationship during those three weeks hardly felt like work as Hanyu was also providing me with new life. Every minute I gave to Hanyu, I was being rewarded with self-confidence and an energy I haven't felt in a long time. Imagine my extreme disappointment, then, when I arrived back home only to feel neglected by the very thing in which I had invested so much faith and hope. Granted, I told Hanyu I needed a little space (10 hours a day/six days a week is enough to make even the most needy person step back for a breather), but I didn't expect to be ignored for two whole weeks! Okay, I'll be honest. Maybe I'm the one ignoring Hanyu, but the excitement in our relationship has left us. Now it seems like Hanyu is apathetic to my attempts at restoring our relationship, and I just don't seem to have the energy to make it work. Not that I haven't tried. Several times I've attempted to reopen that line of communication we once had, but in the end, it's hard to love what doesn't need or care to be loved. Hanyu does, after all, have about 1.3+ billion lovers; what's one more? The worst part about our relationship is that I can't seem to get away from Hanyu. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, everything I do reminds me of Hanyu and what almost was or what could be. Even tonight I'm unable to sleep because Hanyu is pervading my thoughts. However, as sleepless as I become, as much frustration as I can muster, as much self-confidence as I lose, I know that I won't give up on our relationship. I need Hanyu whether the feeling is mutual or not. I guess, when all is said and done, I want to be able to say I conquered Hanyu. I triumphed. Hanyu is my Mt. Everest, my White Whale, my Shrew. However difficult, however frustrating, however degrading, I will overcome. Or else, I'll take Hanyu down with me...
The new semester begins next week. I'm not sure what I'll be teaching or when or anything remotely helpful in preparing for my classes, but I'm okay with that. I do have several new teaching ideas which I'm excited to try out. Of course, it depends on which classes I'm given as to what I'm able to actually do, but I do feel better equipped to teach a foreign language ever since my Chinese language school experience this winter. My dad thinks every teacher should go back to school periodically to remember what it's like to be a student. He says it helps them become better teachers. I agree with him. He also says we should teach lots of infinitives. I don't know why.
I always thought boredom was supposed to breed creativity, but I'm finding myself in mind-numbing daily rituals which accomplish nothing. I'm so looking forward to a sense of normalcy; I'm ready for the new semester.
Today was China's Lantern Festival which means its the official end of Spring Festival celebrations and yet another day of fireworks explosions. I watched some fireworks from my balcony but the excessive celebration we encounter each year during this time has helped to reduce the excitement I used to feel in watching the big explosions in the sky. We avoided Liuyan where there was scheduled a huge fireworks display, opting rather to stay home and eat chicken legs and mac and cheese (I'm trying to use up some of my on-hand food before next month). In a poor attempt to celebrate Mother Language Day, we put in the movie Sister Act and enjoyed reliving early 90s music and the classical remakes of songs like "I Will Follow Him" and "My God" ("My Guy"). As many times as I've seen that movie (more than I'd like to admit), there were a few parts that seemed to jump out at me this time. One quote which I think is helpful to ponder daily particularly struck me: "God has brought you here - take the hint." It's pretty straight forward so I won't try to wax philosophical, but it might serve as good wake up call to anyone questioning what to do with his/her life (or to anyone NOT questioning what to do with his/her life).
Alright, well, I hope everyone who reads this is doing well. I try to remember you all in my thoughts and prayers. Oh, and Hanyu is the Chinese language...just to clarify things....(-: